So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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