Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
