TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
