Betty ford says i'm here all night
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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