my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
