At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
