Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
