got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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