So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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