I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
