i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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