remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize