hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
