Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
