i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
