Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
