Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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