there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I smell stomach acid.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
