I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
