I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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