If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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