He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
