on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
