She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize