Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
