yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
