UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
