I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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