Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
