im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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