New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
