Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize