when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize