my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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