i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
