I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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