Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize