It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
