I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize