So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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