im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
