When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
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