i don't like sucking hair
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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