So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
