Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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