Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
