dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
