3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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