apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
