If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize