I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
