Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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