I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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