dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
