I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
