i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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