i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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